Black Friday Guide 2017


People crowd the mall in attempts to get the most out of Black Friday Sales. Photo by Flikr Creative Commons

The most important thing to begin preparing directly after your delicious Thanksgiving meal— your Black Friday survival bag. There’s no better way to get the most out of all the Black Friday savings than to come fully prepared. Luckily for you, by the end of this guide you will be prepared for the most productive day of shopping of your whole life.  

Choose your bag

The first item you need is a quality packing backpack—your Kånken – Fjällräven backpack just isn’t going to cut it for this mission. You’re going to need something with a lot more pockets to fit all of your supplies. Something extra sturdy that is going to withstand the intensity of your mission.

Take advantage of leftovers

The last thing you want to get is hungry while you’re shopping — it’ll completely throw off your  focus. To avoid this, you’ll need to head back to those Thanksgiving leftovers. Grab a to-go container and shove in a nice helping of potatoes, stuffing, and anything else that’ll stay fresh as you snack all night. While you’re there, put the leftover turkey in a to-go bag — handing it out in line is a sure way to put all of your enemies to sleep before they can steal your savings.

Caffeination is key

To make sure you don’t end up with the same fate as those sleepy shoppers, you’ll need to prepare to stay up all night and into the morning. Coffee will be a good starting point — it’ll keep you warm in line. But that’s not going to be nearly enough for the full night. It’s up to preference of course but you’re going to want to stock up on either Yerba Mate, Red Bull, Costco packs of Five-Hour Energy, or energy Jelly Beans from REI if you’re truly dedicated to being the ultimate shopper. Whatever your choice, make sure it’ll keep you from giving up before you’ve taken advantage of all of the sales.

Consider a disguise

Buying Walmart vests off employees has become a popular trend this year among particularly creative shoppers hoping to avoid payment and lines. While I can’t say how well that will actually work, you may have similar success with a nice outfit, the right perfume and a good smile at the Hollister or Abercrombie.

Prop it up

Equally important to a good disguise is quality distractions and space makers. Flares and smoke bombs make both excellent distractions and space makers, but should be saved for only the most intense shopping experiences. Use your Photoshop skills— or those of one of your family members — to create decoy coupons and flyers for stores away from those you intend to shop at. This will send your enemies in the wrong direction, giving you the tactical advantage needed to pick up on limited sales. Pick up a roll of caution tape on your way out and use it to block off a section you need extra time in. Everyone will be in such a rush they won’t have time to question why you’re the only one inside a restricted area. Oh, and don’t forget to attach a small instant blow up mattress to the bottom of your bag, in case you become overwhelmed and need space to lay down anytime during your mission — everybody needs a break.

As long as you remember all this and your reusable shopping bags (the holiday is no reason to be wasteful) you’ll come home with all the discounted items you could dream of.