Looking for new ways to embarrass yourself around campus? Your old, tired tricks just not doing it anymore? Well flounder no further friend, the definitive guide to embarrassing yourself in the quiet section of Foothill’s own on campus library is here — broken up into the five senses for your reading pleasure and convenience.

AUDITORY

Loudly eat Trader Joe’s™ brand gummy candy

Trader Joe’s™ makes this fabulous gummy candy that comes in ‘T’ and ‘J’ shapes and is coated in delicious crunchy sugar. The flavor of said gummies? I couldn’t really tell you. There’s some purple ones, some yellow-ish ones, maybe some orange — point is what they’re called is irrelevant. When you put those gummies in your mouth, it becomes a party in there. A mouth party. With citrus-y dancing. Maybe even a punch bowl, you know, the works. However enjoying the deliciousness of these gummies comes at a steep cost: they are so, so damn loud. Trader Joe’s™, being the fine grocery establishment that it is, packages these babies in the thickest plastic known to man. If you want your gummies you’re gonna have to work against all odds (thick plastic) to extract them. And that crunchy sugar I mentioned? By God, is it crunchy. Noises will be emanating from your mouth hole and your sticky hands as you attempt to pilfer more unknowably flavored gummies from the Trader Joe’s™ protective plastic carapace and shove them into your gob to join the thick mass of half-masticated gummies already rolling around in there. Godspeed my friend.

Attempt to listen to My Chemical Romance discreetly but don’t actually plug your headphones into your music playing apparatus just start playing the music with your useless headphone cord dangling untethered from your ears for a full ten minutes before you realize what’s going on

This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Snore probably

Who snores? Who even sleeps? Certainly not students in the quiet section of the library.

OLFACTORY

Make yourself a delicious lunch and eat it

It’s the mother-approved embarrassment technique that’s sweeping the nation: a delicious and nutritious lunch. Packed to the brim with vitamins, minerals, vegetables, food items, meat substances, and other such fragrant ingredients. If you want to simultaneously piss-off and incur the jealousy of every student in the vicinity, lovingly pack yourself a four-course meal to enjoy leisurely in the quiet study area of the library. Oh what’s that Kevin? You were trying to study for a chem midterm? Not anymore. Now, you’re thinking about food (and about how the last thing you had to eat was a stale pack of cheetos that was in the bottom of your backpack, and some tepid tap water). This technique can either be implemented to intimidate or to befriend. Use it wisely.

Brew an entire pot of coffee up there

If you are really, really committed to the embarrassment wave and aren’t some sort of fair weather self-embarrasser, then this one is for you. First time embarrassers: keep reading, work up to this, you’ll get there someday. To execute this you will need to buy a coffee maker — nothing too fancy, no Keurigs or anything that uses a k-cup, you’ll want to grind your own coffee beans up there too. In which case of course you’ll need a coffee grinder. Depending on the amount of prep time you’ve got for this act you can even grow, dry, and roast your own coffee beans. Once you have prepared the necessary components and ingredients, scope out the best spot to settle in. It’ll have to be somewhere with outlet access; you know, for the coffee maker. The key to making this as embarrassing as possible is your demeanor. Make it clear that this isn’t some sort of communal activity, this entire pot of coffee is for you and you alone. Get visibly angry when other students scope out your setup. You are Smaug and this fragrant pot of fresh coffee is the Arkenstone. Think to your draconian self, “Not today dwarves, not today.” (or say it out loud, again, depends on your commitment).

VISUALLY

Fail to pull out your intended sitting chair on the first try

Oh, were you trying to sit here? I hope you didn’t want to do so in an inconspicuous and efficient manner. This chair and your hand are like magnets with the same charge — any contact that happens will be brief and glancing my friend so settle in you’re gonna be standing so long people are gonna start to wonder if you’ve got that thing that makes you fall asleep standing up. Narcolepsy maybe? But I feel like narcoleptics fall AND fall asleep. Point is, nobody is gonna be in a comfortable position.

Miss the table or floor and drop your backpack/bag

It’s amateur hour up in this library quiet section! This technique is arguably the easiest to execute, or perhaps I just frequently fall unwilling victim to it. When attempting to put your school bag down: just miss. Don’t even look where your hand and arm are going, just trust in yourself and your ability to drop things. Screw gravity, it’s all you baby. You’ve got this.

Literally anything

I’ve been saddled with the unfortunate circumstance of existing so I can with certainty say: quite literally anything you do will make you feel embarrassed. Drinking from a water bottle? Embarrassing. Looking at a clock? Embarrassing. Writing things down? Embarrassing! Good luck out there, and may humor be with you.

TACTILELY

I’m skipping this if you’re out here in the Foothill library just touching people stop reading this article immediately and transfer schools or something

TASTE(-ILY?)

Well in a similar vein as the last section I hope you’re not licking people or being licked but

I mean if you did lick someone that would certainly be the worst. Ever.

Showcase your poor taste in candy by eating Warheads or some other drivel that’s not Trader Joe’s™ brand gummy candy

Notable exceptions are: Trader Joe’s™ brand chocolate covered orange gummy stick things, Trader Joe’s™ brand Scandinavian swimmers, Trader Joe’s™ brand soft strawberry licorice twists, and Toblerone™ bars.

Showcase your poor taste in beverages by drinking anything that doesn’t come from KJs. Even water.

Water. Not even once.